Grief in the Bible: What David Can Teach Us About Loss

In 2 Samuel 11, we read the story of David and Bathsheba. We all know the first part of the story fairly well. David, having sluffed off his duties as a military leader, chooses to stay home while his men go to fight the Ammonites.

He is on the roof one night and spots a beautiful woman bathing. He tells his men to bring the woman to him. They sleep together and the woman, Bathsheba, gets pregnant.

Bathsheba’s husband, Uriah, is away fighting the battle David should be leading. David, terrified his sin will be discovered, schemes to bring Uriah back so he can sleep with his wife and believe he fathered the child. But Uriah has integrity and does not enjoy a luxury his men cannot have. David then schemes to have Uriah killed on the battlefield so he can marry Bathsheba and hope people do not figure things out.

That is the story we know. Some of us go further and get to the part where Nathan, God’s prophet and advisor to the king, rebukes David via a well-played parable. In 2 Samuel 12, Nathan comes to David and tells him a story about a rich man stealing a poor man’s only lamb without a second thought.

David becomes filled with righteous anger and demands justice for the poor man. Nathan then brings David’s sins to light by telling him he is the rich man. God knows what he did with Bathsheba and is less than pleased.

As part of David’s punishment, the child he made with Bathsheba gets sick. David intercedes with the Lord to heal his child, but the child passes away.

And the Lord afflicted the child that Uriah’s wife bore to David, and he became sick. David therefore sought God on behalf of the child. And David fasted and went in and lay all night on the ground. And the elders of his house stood beside him, to raise him from the ground, but he would not, nor did he eat food with them. On the seventh day, the child died. And the servants of David were afraid to tell him that the child was dead, for they said, “Behold, while the child was yet alive, we spoke to him, and he did not listen to us. How then can we say to him the child is dead? He may do himself some harm.”

But when David saw that his servants were whispering together, David understood that the child was dead. And David said to his servants, “Is the child dead?” They said, “He is dead.” 

Then David arose from the earth and washed and anointed himself and changed his clothes. And he went into the house of the Lord and worshiped. He then went to his own house. And when he asked, they set food before him, and he ate. Then his servants said to him, “What is this thing that you have done? You fasted and wept for the child while he was alive; but when the child died, you arose and ate food.” 

He said, “While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept, for I said, ‘Who knows whether the Lord will be gracious to me, that the child may live?’ But now he is dead. Why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he will not return to me.” 2 Samuel 12:15b-23, ESV

It is important to note that this story is about a specific situation. It is wrong to surmise or suggest that anyone who loses a child has done something to deserve it. God was dealing with a specific instance of His chosen king behaving sinfully.

David lost his child because of his sin. That is a consequence for one man alone. There is no blame to be placed on any parent or their child for a loss.

What we can take from David’s story is a reflection on grief. The Bible verses above, while stemming from one man’s situation, do provide guideposts for others who have lost a child or loved one.

In looking at the story above, we see the following:

• Nathan tells David his child will die.
• David prayed and cried out to God.
• The servants tell David the child has died.
• David left his posture of mourning.
• He went to worship the Lord.

If we continue to read, David goes to comfort Bathsheba, sleeps with her, and from that Solomon (the next king of Israel) is born.

Reading the Psalms, we know David was a man who was solid in his foundation of who God was. He trusted God while he was a fugitive, trying to stay one step ahead of Saul. For fifteen years, David hid out in caves and among his enemies, trusting that God’s promise to him (that he would one day be king) would be fulfilled.

David trusted God when his other son, Absalom, tried to usurp the crown from him. David and his family left the palace and were pursued by Absalom’s followers. David sought the Lord and knew that if God was with him, he would be okay.

We have to be honest and admit that David made a lot of mistakes. He would not win any father-of-the-year awards. To read 1 and 2 Samuel and 1 Chronicles is to step into a true Greek tragedy. It is the biblical equivalent of the Western novel with duels in the street, pillaging, conspiracy, murder, and rape. We tend to turn David’s life into a PG movie, often reduced to Goliath, Bathsheba, and his trust in God.

To do that is to reduce who David was. He was a man who knew incredible highs and some extreme lows. We need to look at the whole of who David was if we are to fully understand these Bible verses on grief.

David was a man who mourned his best friend’s death (see 2 Samuel 1). He watched friends die in battle; men who had stayed with him as he ran from Saul for 15 years. He would lose adult children. He was a man acquainted with grief.

In this instance, David knew the best hope he had to save his child was to pray. He prayed with all he had. He fasted and lay on the ground. He could not be moved or dissuaded. Here was a man comfortable with lament, grief, crying out, and pain. He laid it all before God.

He repented of his sin. He asked for forgiveness. He cried out to a God of lovingkindness and mercy. ‘Please, not my child.’

We can cry out to God and sometimes people still die. It is not a reflection on us. It is not a reflection of God’s sovereignty or goodness. It is the broken world we live in. Sometimes we get healing, people pull through, and an eleventh-hour miracle occurs. And sometimes, like David, we look up to see those tending to our loved ones whispering to each other and know the one we love is gone.

Anyone who has waited for that next dawn to break for their loved ones only to have it never come knows that soul-shattering heartbreak.

David knew it too. He was heartbroken by the loss. It devastated him.

Grief is a tempest and each of us must face some form of it. To read the story above makes it seem like David moved through the next few steps with remarkable speed. It almost feels like a switch. David goes from lament to breakfast in 45 words.

For any who have lost a loved one, much less a child, doing much more than breathing can be a monumental task. We all know the chaos around loss. If it was unexpected, there can be hundreds of decisions that have to be made while the loss is still fresh. We might not fully comprehend our loved one is gone and then their service can be behind us, and all we have is silence.

What David’s story shows is that we can mourn and trust simultaneously.

(David) said, “While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept, for I said, ‘Who knows whether the Lord will be gracious to me, that the child may live?’ But now he is dead. Why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he will not return to me.” 2 Samuel 11:23, ESV

What is done is done. His child is gone.

David did everything he could in the week leading up to the child’s death. It is easy to imagine the palace calling on the best medical advisors for help. Bathsheba probably never left her child’s bedside. David did what he could do: earnestly fast and weep and pray for God to intervene.

And still, the child died.

What will David’s prayer for life do now?

David looked to the future. “I shall go to him, but he will not return to me.”

Because of the resurrection, we know we will see our family who believe again. We will walk in heaven with those who have gone on before us. It is a feeling of hope amid overwhelming grief and loss.

The Bible does not say David did not mourn or grieve. It does not say David did not continue to cry. It does not say David was fine or okay or adjusted.

It says David accepted what was and tried to find a way to move on.

When we are looking for Bible verses for our grief, we can take a lesson from David in accepting the loss.

Processing grief often requires professional help. Many need a safe place to cry and process what happened. Getting to a place of acceptance can take a long time, and that is okay. Call our offices today at —-, our counselors are here to help.