Not everyone likes surprises. Some people relish the thought of being on the receiving end of a huge surprise party, while others live in near-mortal terror of their loved ones launching a surprise celebration of whatever sort. People are wired differently, so it’s not surprising that there would be different tastes in this regard as well.
Of course, surprises come in all shapes and sizes, and people respond to those differently, too. One type of surprise would be if your spouse discovered they were pregnant after a long time of you trying for a baby. Another would be if you won a trip to an exotic location when you’d forgotten you even entered. Another kind of surprise is when you discover that the relationship you’re in is more serious and committed than you thought.
What’s A ‘Serious’ Relationship?
Romantic relationships run the gamut from casual hookups that people make online or in person, to lifelong exclusive commitments they make to one another before God and witnesses. Each person will likely describe a ‘serious’ relationship differently. For the person who’s not looking for anything long-term, exclusive, or committed, ‘serious’ means taking a step toward those things.
One way to define a ‘serious’ romantic relationship is to say it is a relationship in which the dynamic has moved or is moving toward deeper presence in each other’s lives, exclusivity, and it is likely heading toward a deeper commitment toward one another such as marriage.
Such a relationship is bringing the lives of two people closer together, they are growing in knowing each other better, and their connection is leading them to want to be present in each other’s lives more and more.
How Do Serious Relationships Happen?
If you find yourself in a relationship that you can term ‘serious’, there are a few ways you could have gotten there. Serious relationships happen in one of two ways: intentionally, and otherwise. When two people spend time together, share experiences that bond them and enable them to grow in trust toward one another, it’s likely they’re going to want more of the same going forward.
That bonding that occurs between people can happen slowly and imperceptibly, and it can also happen quickly and with the awareness of both people. People are often intentional about creating those opportunities for forging bonds; that’s what dating someone is all about. When you date someone, you’re signaling your intent to know someone better, and creating opportunities for that to happen.
In other situations, people can bond and get caught up in the relationship unawares. This can happen between friends who spend time with each other, between classmates working on a school project, or between work colleagues who spend a lot of time shoulder to shoulder getting work done.
One day they may wake up to the realization that they really like the other person, they’ve been spending a lot of time together, and there’s more going on between them than a platonic relationship. Or you may find yourself feeling bewildered at a family gathering you’ve been invited to by your friend, being introduced as their significant other when you’re not.
Intentionally or otherwise, a serious relationship, to proceed with that understanding about what it is, requires the two people involved in it to make a conscious decision about where they’re at. When you discover that you like someone, or that there’s more to your relationship than you’ve let on, you have the choice then to articulate that and consciously step into what your relationship has become. It is good for both of you to truthfully name what is going on so that you can avoid hurting each other due to mismatched intentions.
Managing Your Commitment Levels Well
Serious relationships can sneak up on you, or they can happen with your full awareness and cooperation. Though a serious relationship can sneak up on you, what you do after you realize that things have gotten serious matters. You can decide to leave things as they are, commit to where you are now, or you can decide to step back if you find yourself in a situation you weren’t expecting or aren’t comfortable remaining in.
There are a few things to keep in mind if you want to manage the levels of your commitment in relationships well. Some of these include the following:
- Self-awareness Becoming more aware of yourself, your feelings and your thoughts is helpful as it allows you to enter situations knowing where you’re at, and aware of what’s happening around you. If you find yourself feeling attracted to someone and wanting to spend (as well as actually spending) a lot of time with that person, ask yourself why, and what it means.
Taking the time to reflect on your motivations can help you avoid any unpleasant surprises. This doesn’t mean that you need to constantly be navel-gazing, but it does mean it’s worthwhile doing a personal inventory to understand where you’re at, and how your way of being may be affecting others around you.
Coupled with self-awareness is also a healthy amount of awareness about others around you. If your relationship looks, feels, and is often experienced by others as being more than it seems, pause, and pay attention to that. Yes, people can read things into situations, but sometimes they also have insight into the dynamics of your relationship that you’re too close to see clearly.
- Intentionality is key Being in a serious relationship is, for lack of a better word, serious business. People’s feelings are important, and you should never treat them lightly. You may find yourself caught up in an unexpected situation, but if you want to manage your relationships well, intentionality is key. If you want to build a relationship and a life with someone, be intentional about it. Make time to see them, to share experiences with them, to get to know them.Intentionality may also mean pulling back if you feel the relationship is further along than you’d like it to be. If you don’t want to be in a serious relationship with someone, then that intention must be carried through your words and actions.
Don’t lead on and break the heart of one of God’s children because of your lack of intentionality or clarity. Loving your neighbor as yourself often looks like being clear about your intentions, and acting consistently.
- Communicate A part of being intentional about what you’re doing in a relationship with someone is to be clear in your communication with them. Communication encompasses talking about things such as where you’re at in the relationship, and what your thoughts are about the relationship and its future. It’s easy to find yourselves in two very different places, and for misalignment to lead to frustration and conflict as a result.
If you’ve intentionally stepped into a serious relationship together, being clear with each other, and checking in with each other, can be valuable to keep you aligned and pulling in the same direction.
You don’t always have to talk about the state of your relationship, but talking openly at the beginning and every so often can help a couple stay on the same page. When and if things change for you, communicate that change so that you both know where you stand.
- Set healthy boundaries Healthy relationships remain healthy due to good boundaries. Those boundaries allow you to communicate your needs, and they allow you to have space to meet those needs.
Boundaries also determine what is appropriate for the relationship. This may include how you use social media, and what you communicate about your relationship to others.
Boundaries will likely also include whether the relationship is exclusive, how late you text each other, or keeping sex out of it until marriage.
Setting healthy boundaries will establish ground rules for your relationship and how you treat one another in that relationship. Any relationship, serious or otherwise, ought to be a space where a person’s boundaries are respected. Mutual respect is the foundation for any relationship, and a person’s boundaries are a great place to start.
Relationships can be complicated, and a person can find themselves in unexpected situations, for a variety of reasons. Sometimes you need to take a moment to ask yourself where you are, or you may need to take a look back and ask yourself how you got where you are. A serious relationship can happen in different ways, but in either case, you owe it to yourself and the other person to be honest and consistent.
You may be in a serious relationship, whether you’ve arrived there intentionally or otherwise, and whether you’re excited about it or not. If you need help to think through your next steps or help to reflect on how you got here, don’t hesitate to speak with a Christian counselor who can help you unpack your feelings, thoughts, and decisions.
“Man and Woman sitting”, Courtesy of Unsplash, Unsplash.com, CC0 License
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Jennifer Kooshian: Author
Jennifer Kooshian lives in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan with her husband of 32 years on a small homestead near Lake Superior. They have five adult children and one grandson. She also has an ever-changing number of chickens, a mellow old cat, and a...
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